I was sitting quietly this afternoon and the strangest, most bizarre thing just happened. All of a sudden, I felt a whoosh of adrenaline in my belly - as if in a straight line, going directly up into my heart center - and I felt my face crack out of neutral, with quiet tears starting to roll down each cheek.
Weird, right? Well, perhaps not weird so much as surprising.
But please don't worry! I'm perfectly all right. In fact, that's the point. I'm feeling rather fantastic these days, and it's not because marijuana is legal here in Seattle. I'm not high or drunk or even medicated. I haven't joined a cult or drunk any Kool-aid (because, yuck - gnarly chemicals). I haven't apprenticed myself to the blonde "Supreme Master" I saw on video in a hyper-vegetarian Chinese restaurant although I do freely admit that she was entertaining. To the best of my knowledge, I'm in my right mind.
And in this state something just clicked this afternoon. Learning how to breathe through (and with) whatever is happening during meditation allowed me to hang in there, so I didn't freak out or run for the tissue box or stop when the tears came. I just went with the crying, taking up the position of compassionately curious observer. And the waves of feeling continued rolling through for the next ten minutes or so. As feelings do. Especially for those of us with BIG feelings. #SuperFeelers
What clicked during my meditation is that I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life.
And now I'm going to tell you about it. NOT to impress you, but to impress UPON you that you can have this, too. Yes, YOU.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel free from angst and worry and pressure. There is a palpable absence of, well, yuck. I feel at home in my own skin, which makes it easy to feel at home in this new city. I'm at home in my soul.
This experience could not be more different than how things used to go.
Before, when the morning alarm frightened me into consciousness, panic would immediately set in and I'd start the day rushing around like an over-tired zombie who has taken meth for breakfast. Then: email, avoidance, caffeine, work, email, meetings, email, avoidance, caffeine, eating my lunch at 10:30am, and so on until by 3pm I'd feel so exhausted that the words on my computer screen looked all wiggly and blurred. At which point I'd KEEP GOING (because that's what we do) until an actual obligation would force me to leave work or enough other people had left already that it seemed okay for me to leave, too. Then, eating a box of crackers for dinner because I was too tired to even think about cooking. Followed by more email and more work before bedtime, all the while dreading the next day. (Unless the next day was Saturday.)
Not to mention the pervading sense of being lost, directionless, and without purpose.
Or the ever-present knowledge that I was stressed out, maxed out, and on the path to burnout (but couldn't seem to fix it).
Or the general sense of being disconnected from my own life - as if someone else were in charge, not me.
Let's also not mention all the energy I invested in avoiding all of the above. (Over-shopping, over-eating, over-doing entertainment, etc., anyone? Ask me how I know.)
So. Now that we're all cringing together, let's take a deep breath! That stressy bummer has ended. Whew!
It does not have to be like this. Repeat after me: It does not have to be like this.
You can actually shift these patterns. You can build a life in which you naturally feel at ease and at home. Deep, abiding, peaceful happiness is possible - even for you.
If I can do it, ANYONE can. Truly!
You see, it begins with wanting more for yourself and your own beautiful life. And I didn't want anything more or expect anything better for a looong time - I just accepted things as they were, telling myself a story about being responsible and "good" and having drawn a very short straw. (Until I simply couldn't buy that story anymore when my body rebelled.)
What are you accepting? Or, perhaps a better question: what do you want to transform?
If you want more for your life, you can have it. Everything in the universe has the urge for more life, more growth, more expansion! When you add life, more is created for you and for everyone else. You are not taking away from anyone else's life by expanding your own.
The gift in the stressy bummer that used to be my life is that I learned how to build happiness. I had to work for it. And that's why I can now teach my beloved clients how to do this in their own beautiful lives: the skills, the muscles, the methods for being profoundly happy are learn-able! Even if being happy doesn't seem to come naturally to you. Even if your life looks and feels like a stressy bummer - in fact, especially if your life looks looks and feels like a stressy bummer.
You can have happiness, too.
As I sit here in my new space, overlooking silvery Puget Sound and watching the sky change, I realize that what has happened for me is an expansion. It's like, against expectations, my whole life has gotten bigger and brighter and can now fit all of me in it. I seem to be discovering a new level of joyful contentment (whereas before, each day I'd feel like I was discovering a new level of tiredness). Much improved, and the whole point is that it's completely available to you as well.
I'm giving away five free Breakthrough Sessions in the month of May. These are the special hour-long sessions I've designed for you, my dear ones, who - to my ongoing bewilderment - read these letters and enrich my life every single week. If you want one, sign up by Monday, April 25. Just email me back and say so, or go here to book yourself a spot in my calendar.
I would LOVE to talk with you. It would be my pleasure to play even the tiniest role in helping you build your uniquely perfect version of profound happiness. Because it's out there, waiting for you, wanting you to show up! I promise.